


Of Jealousy and Regrets

by alwaysBeWithYou



Category: SHINee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-14 10:07:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20190517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwaysBeWithYou/pseuds/alwaysBeWithYou
Summary: Work is stressing out Jonghyun and it doesn't help that Jinki - the object of his seemingly unrequited affection - might be dating Lee Joon. For the sake of their friendship, Jonghyun keeps a tight lid on his feelings until all the stress comes to a head one night, culminating in him yelling at Jinki over something trivial in the dorm.Basically, a story of misunderstandings, mutual pining, regrets and a whole lot of jealousy...





	Of Jealousy and Regrets

There were a few moments in Kim Jonghyun’s life that he was proud of.

Like auditioning to become a trainee at SM, adopting Roo because she was the cutest - and she ruined Minho’s socks - leaving the training room after realizing that Kibum and Minho were indeed going to fight - it took a few years for them to stop being awkward around each other - and staying in Jinki’s good books to avoid being tortured with forehead flicks…

But as he made all these good, great, perfect decisions, he was bound to make bad ones as well. And one particular decision, which Jonghyun thought was the one he regretted most, would have to be introducing Jinki to Lee Joon.

To understand the actual situation, he had to go far back into the past. Many years. Many many months. What felt like an entire lifetime. From the time when shit first started to the time, Jonghyun realized just how deep inside that shit he was.

Not to be melodramatic - no no, never - but if he had to pick a single moment in his life where things started to take an ugly turn, it would have to be that cursed day in history when he introduced Lee Joon to his leader, his Hyung and sadly, _tragically_, the object of his undying but unrequited love:

The stupid unseeing **Lee Jinki**.

***

Jonghyun’s life was quite simple… He had only one dream; to be an artist, a writer._ A poet_. To have words sit at his fingertips and roll off whenever he tapped the tabletop. That was his dream. And he was well on his way to achieving that.

When he joined SM Entertainment, he decided that he was there only to work hard toward his dream and become a celebrated artist, one who would be adored by all and respected by many. He didn’t think much about finding friends or making connections. But that all changed one day, when his instructor brought a boy in front of him and told Jonghyun that he would be said boy’s guide for a day.

When Jonghyun took a good look at the boy, he saw nothing but an awkward person, probably shy of the world. He tried to hide his eyes beneath long black hair that Jonghyun desperately wanted to brush out of the way, and his stubby fingers fidgeted with his worn out t-shirt. All in all, he looked too shy and awkward to even dream about being a celebrity. But, then again, who was he to judge?

Jonghyun flashed the boy a lopsided grin and was taken aback for a second as he smiled back, brighter than he had ever seen anyone smiling and Jonghyun decided that he quite liked this new boy.

That day, he took the kid - who he'd since found out was named Jinki - to all the places he could think to show him. He really liked Jinki’s voice, even though he didn’t talk much. He preferred to say more through his expressions. Jonghyun observed him for the whole day; how he smiled politely when someone bowed, how he was in awe after spotting some of the celebrities, how he blushed after tripping once and how he smiled brightly at Jonghyun at the end of the day.

For the first time, Jonghyun realized that he wanted to keep hanging out with this boy.

Feeling like he had to do something to make sure Jinki would talk to him the next day he decided to start a casual conversation, “Hey, did you like this place then?”

Jinki looked at Jonghyun and flicked his hair out of his eyes before speaking, “Ahh yes… It’s nice… I’m looking forward to coming here Jonghyun-ssi. Thank you for showing me the place and keeping me company...”

“No problem at all. How old are you, by the way? I’m sixteen.”

“Oh! I’m your hyung then, I’m seventeen already.”

Though Jinki finished that statement with another one of his bright smiles, Jonghyun had the sudden urge to run and hide somewhere. Here he was speaking comfortably with Jinki, thinking he was younger than him, when it turns out he was actually older.

Embarrassed, Jonghyun bowed politely before saying, “I’m so sorry Jinki Hyung. I thought you were younger… I’ll just get going now… I hope you will have a good time here...” With that, Jonghyun spun on his heels and literally ran away, leaving a confused Jinki behind.

For the next few days, Jonghyun avoided Jinki like the plague. He knew he was behaving like a teenage girl, but he just couldn't face him. The older boy tried to talk to him multiple times, but Jonghyun was a coward.

Until one day, he was trying to hide behind Minho who, unfortunately, decided to call over Jinki who all but skipped towards them. Once he reached them, Minho gripped Jonghyun’s arm and pulled him out from behind him,

“Jonghyun Hyung is here. You wanted to talk to him, right?" The youngest of the trio asked, "He told me he wanted to talk to you as well.”

Before Jonghyun could figure out what was happening, everyone - Minho included - had suddenly vanished and it was only him and Jinki left standing awkwardly together.

“Do you hate me because I’m older, Jonghyun?” Jinki asked, his voice a bit softer than the other had previously heard.

Jonghyun shook his head because obviously, that wasn’t the reason. He wanted to tell him that it was his own fault but Jinki apparently took his silence the wrong way as he turned around, ready to leave.

That was the moment Jonghyun felt like he would regret letting Jinki go. He grabbed ahold of the older boy's hand and uttered the words he never knew would matter so much in the future, "I don't hate you, Hyung. I was being stupid. Let's be friends? I promise I will never ever leave you alone like that ever again."

The smile he received from Jinki that day, did something to his heart. He didn't understand the feeling, but he knew he felt better than ever...

***

Jonghyun never thought he would be able to debut in the same group as Jinki. Minho, Kibum, and Taemin joined them too, but Jonghyun was mostly focused on Jinki. Everything was all well and good except for the fact that the older's attention was now divided between three other boys along with Jonghyun. All of them were working hard to practice before their first ever performance, but he couldn't help but feel sad whenever he found Jinki giving extra attention to other members. Taemin was the youngest between them and Jinki spent most of his time coaching him whenever he was stuck.

Jonghyun sighed. Of course, Jinki would do that. He was the oldest and was now the leader of their group. It was his responsibility to make sure no one was struggling and he was doing his job. Jonghyun observed whenever Jinki talked to Kibum and even Minho about their issues or asked if there was something he could help them with.

Jonghyun pouted, 'Why doesn't he ask me? What if I'm in trouble? I'm also part of the group but he didn't ask me anything.'

That night, he snatched Jinki away from the group and finally asked what was troubling him throughout the day.

“Is there a problem Jjong? You look troubled.”

Jonghyun pouted again, “You are troubling me, Hyung… Ever since we were put in a group together, all you ever do is spend your time practicing or with the other three. It’s like you don’t even remember me anymore...”

Jinki just smiled and ruffled the younger's hair. “Yah! How could I forget you? You were my first ever friend. We promised never to forget each other, remember?”

Jonghyun nodded, “Yes… And yet, you don't even give me five minutes of your day!”

The older chuckled at his cuteness. “That’s because I knew they were struggling, Jjong. Taemin is a dance prodigy but he wants to improve his singing too. I’m just helping him gain a bit more confidence because he's a hard working kid and I want him to feel every bit deserving. Kibum is fabulous but he feels pressured because he only gets weekends to practice while the rest of us can practice every day. He wants to improve and I’m making sure he is not overworking himself. Minho is still not sure about his role in this group. He feels like he isn’t deserving but I know he deserves to be with us so I’m doing everything I can to make sure he is not succumbing to those thoughts...”

He waited a bit before continuing, “You've always wanted to be a singer. You've worked hard and you've improved your singing so much, Jonghyun-ah. You have an exceptionally good voice, you performed with your band before so you know how to take this pressure. I didn’t give you more time because I know you are strong and you don’t need me to pamper you, at least for now. That doesn’t mean I’m not keeping an eye on you. I know you reached that high note you were trying so hard to for the past few days today, I know you're still working on that one dance step that Kibum is teaching you and I know you're practicing even after you've almost perfected everything.”

Jonghyun’s eyes widened. If there were any previous thoughts or doubts in his mind about Jinki being the leader, they all vanished within a few seconds. This man in front of him was every bit deserving to be their leader. Not because he was older, but because he knew how to hold them together. Because he knew how to make sure to take them all with him and make sure no one got left behind.

Jinki’s worried face snapped him out of his thoughts and he laughed at his own stupidity before throwing his arms around him. “Okay, I believe that you didn’t forget me. But I’m still gonna punish you for making me sad. Let’s go. You owe me ice cream...”

That day, as they walked to the train station while eating their ice creams, Jonghyun decided that, no matter what, he would never let Jinki slip away from him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

SHINee debuted with Jinki, Jonghyun, Kibum, Minho and Taemin, and instantly, they were popular amongst noona fans.

Throughout the first year, they were constantly busy, trying to prove their talent to the world. Too many shows, too many performances and too many appearances. There were times when they felt tired, when everything became too much, when they wanted to just stop and rest.

But everything comes with a price. For them, their popularity meant even busier schedules every day. At some point, almost all of them felt the pressure and started to crack.

All but Jinki.

Jonghyun was still observing the older boy for any signs of weakness, for any signs of frustration. But, maybe Jinki wasn’t _allowed_ to feel weak, being the leader. He always took the members' frustration and anger in a positive manner. He never snapped back. He had a way of making sure they were okay. He was empathetic and he made all decisions by considering their opinions first. There were doubts and arguments, of course, but none of them caused the members to feel awkward around each other. They knew that it was healthy to let their thoughts be known at the appropriate time.

Jonghyun was proud of his friend. That awkward, shy boy that he had met all those years ago knew just how to handle his group's tantrums and knew how to make sure they never got out of line.

Jonghyun finally understood everything a little more one night when the leader went missing. It wasn’t like he was missing for a long time or anything, but Jinki seemed different during dinner. He didn’t talk much and excused himself after eating barely anything. Everyone noticed but nobody commented because this was something unusual for all of them. Kibum nudged Jonghyun to go and search for Jinki and the older of the two agreed without any argument because he also felt that the leader was acting different.

He went outside to find him and stopped just next to their van. He felt his heart break as he heard soft sobbing that was obviously Jinki. He hesitated for a second before remembering all the times Jinki helped them with their own emotional outbursts.

Earlier that day, he tripped during their live performance and, even though no one said anything, Jonghyun knew how embarrassing it must have been for him.

He finally manned up and knocked lightly on the door before sliding it open.

There, in the corner, Jinki was sitting all curled up with his knees pulled up and his face hidden. He clearly didn’t notice the other boy coming in, and Jonghyun’s heart shattered as he could hear those little sobs even more clearly now that he was closer.

He enveloped Jinki in a loose hug, causing him to stiffen a little before finally looking up.

Jonghyun was scared, he had never seen his leader like this before. He was always full of smiles, always full of mischief but this Jinki's eyes were red from crying. His cheeks were wet with tears and his whole body shook with every sob.

The younger couldn’t think of anything other than just holding Jinki tight to his chest. Let it all out, hyung. I’m here. Don’t worry…

Jonghyun didn’t know if it was wise to tell Jinki to cry even more, but he felt like he needed this. He had always been the strong one, but he also had a limit. Knowing how bad it could be to bottle up all your feelings, Jonghyun wanted him to have someone that he could be his true self around.

That night, Jinki told the younger about all his worries and insecurities; about how he was ashamed of being clumsy, how he hated whenever his voice broke, how he felt like a failure when he read those comments about him not deserving to be the leader.

Jonghyun listened to every word as he held Jinki close. He made sure to hold him until he calmed down. Slowly, those sobs turned into little adorable sniffles and Jonghyun smiled when he saw how cute his Hyung looked with a red nose and pink cheeks.

Wiping away a few remaining tears, he cupped Jinki’s cheek, “I’m not going to say this again, so listen carefully, Hyung: You are more deserving to lead us than anyone else could ever be… Your softness is not your weakness, it’s your strength. Don’t change yourself for anyone. And don’t you dare cry all alone like this ever again. I’m your best friend, remember? I need to know if you're sad. I deserve to be there when you need me, just like you are for all of us…”

Jinki awarded him with an adorable soft smile and hugged him again, “Thank you Jjong… We will always be there for each other. You won’t leave me, right?”

Jonghyun ruffled his hair and shook his head, “Of course not. God only knows what'll happen if we leave you alone for even a second… You wouldn’t survive without your handsome dongsaeng!”

The older laughed and Jonghyun felt his broken heart mending again.

They finally left the van and went upstairs. The other members were already asleep so the two of them slowly made their way onto their own beds. Before Jonghyun could close his eyes, he felt a tug on his hand. He looked at Jinki who gave him another one of his brightest smiles before mumbling a quiet "Thank you".

***

From that moment onwards, they were as thick as glue. SHINee was reaching new levels of success every day and they were currently preparing for their comeback.

At the same time, Jinki was performing in the musical; Rock Of Ages. That, as well as their comeback, required Jinki to grow his hair out and... well... Jonghyun couldn’t tell anyone, but he was feeling all sorts of weird things whenever he saw his leader with that long hair.

Jinki had been going to the gym as well, which wasn’t helping the younger boy either. Jonghyun had known him for years but, for the first time, he was starting to realize just how sexy Jinki could be. Their concept of being young, cute boys was changing and so was their leader. He looked much more confident than before and, not to mention, sexier.

Jonghyun found himself staring at Jinki more often.

And it was scary.

He had never really thought about his sexuality before, but now and then, when he found himself wanting to kiss that sexy smirk off of Jinki’s lips, he could tell that things were not exactly normal. Above everything, he was sure that the leader was straight; what with all the interviews about their ideal types and how he was popular within girl groups.

Jonghyun tried ignoring his feelings at first, thinking it was just platonic attraction. But things got complicated when he went to see Rock Of Ages.

Rocker Jinki was too much for him to handle. He had never seen him like this: sexy, confident and beautiful with all that eye makeup, tight jeans with a superman belt and those seductive smirks.

That image was going to haunt him for ages.

When he started having wet dreams involving Jinki almost every night, Jonghyun decided he needed a break from all this. He was sure the other was straight and he really didn’t want to hurt their friendship because of his feelings. Sure, lover Jinki would be nice, but first and foremost, he wanted his friend Jinki.

So he decided to tackle his problem in a different way. If he stopped spending all his time with Jinki and instead found someone else to hang out with, maybe those feelings would disappear. Jinki was getting busier with his schedules anyway, so spending less time with him wouldn't be a problem. And luckily for him, one of his favorite actresses showed interest in him.

Jonghyun loved Shin Sekyung. Maybe not the same way he loved Jinki or how he wanted to be with him, but he genuinely enjoyed spending time with her. What started as friendly meet ups, soon turned into dates after she shyly asked him out one day. Jonghyun didn’t tell anyone, as it was against the rules and, though his heart broke each time, he always postponed plans with Jinki.

During all of that mess, his friend, Lee Joon from MBLAQ, asked Jonghyun for Jinki’s number. Jonghyun was surprised at first but Joon said he only wanted to congratulate Jinki and he also thought he was pretty cool. Jonghyun was still skeptical, but he gave him Jinki’s number anyway.

He was chatting with Sekyung one evening when Jinki burst through the doors.

“Jonghyun, did you give my number to someone?”

Jonghyun was surprised at the sudden question, but nodded, “Yeah, Joon Hyung wanted to congratulate you on your musical. Why?”

Jinki sat down beside Jonghyun, “It’s just, he's asking me out for coffee. I dunno... I feel weird.”

“What? Really?” Jonghyun abandoned his phone as he stared at Jinki.

He had spent barely any time with Jinki since he started talking to Sekyung, and he had to admit that he missed him. Jinki had his eyes closed and Jonghyun gulped as he longingly observed those parted lips.

“What’s the problem with meeting him though? Maybe he wants to be friends with you. I know him, he's a good guy.” Jonghyun said.

Jinki’s eyes opened and Jonghyun turned his gaze away, coughing a little. “But, I’m sooo busy, Jonghyunnnieeee… And all I need is you, why would I need other friends?”

Jonghyun gulped, Jinki still made his heart race. But he had Sekyung now, he couldn't continue to have feelings for Jinki.

He took a deep breath before replying, “Well, you need other friends, Jinx. I can’t spend all of my time with you. You could really use some new friends and, you never know, this could be the start of a great new friendship.”

Though Jonghyun said that with a smile, he could see how quickly Jinki’s expressions changed.

“Are you bored with me already? Is that the reason you said no to all those invites?”  
Jonghyun opened his mouth to deny, but Jinki got up too quickly, “I guess you're right, Jjong. I didn’t know I was suffocating you with my constant presence. Thanks anyway, I guess I’ll use this opportunity and make a new friend.”

***

Over the next few days, Jonghyun was on the lookout for any changes. Jinki wasn’t angry at him the next day; he spoke softly and kindly, just like before. And Jonghyun thought that maybe _nothing_ had changed.

But boy was he wrong.

The first change happened when the news of Jonghyun dating Sekyung broke. He had never before seen Jinki so disappointed in him.

Jinki stormed into Jonghyun's bedroom that night. He threw all the photos their management had received on Jonghyun's bed.

Jonghyun went through the photos and, knowing he messed up, he mumbled a quick "Sorry…".

"You're sorry? What are you sorry for, Jjong?"

Jonghyun bit his lip as he replied, "Sorry for getting into a relationship. I didn't think it would blow up this much…"

"I don't care about you being in a relationship, Jjong, that isn't the problem. It's your life and you have the right to live it as you want."

Jonghyun's heart shattered at those words. Of course, Jinki wouldn't care. It wasn't like Jinki loved him. What did Jonghyun think? That he would get jealous?

Of course not… Jinki was straight after all…

"Then why are you so damn angry, Hyung? What's the problem?"

"The problem is you didn't even think about letting us know. I know it's your life, and I know I'm not your best friend or anything, but I am your leader. We are a team and we deserve to know things which could affect SHINee's future."

Jonghyun felt tears prickling at his eyes but managed to control his emotions. Jinki was right; SHINee was a dream all five them held close to their hearts and this mistake could cost them a lot, considering the backlash they were getting.

"I'm sorry, Jinki Hyung. This won't happen again. I'll go talk to management..."

Jinki stopped him, "No, Jjong. I already spoke to them. They wanted you guys to break up but I told them you were serious about her. They're gonna see what the response is for a while and then they'll let us know what to do…"

Jonghyun's eyes welled up with tears. Jinki hugged him, and Jonghyun held onto Jinki's shoulders.

Jinki was his friend, there was nothing wrong with hugging him. That's what Jonghyun told himself, but the way his entire being warmed at having Jinki so close to him said otherwise.

"Don't cry, silly. You should've told me before. To save you, I at least need to be aware of the shit you get into." Jonghyun remained quiet, so Jinki continued, "Are you happy, Jjong? Do you like her a lot?"

Jonghyun thought he heard a bit of insecurity in Jinki's voice so he pulled away. But Jinki's eyes didn't show much of the emotions, he looked just like always. Jonghyun took a leap of faith and replied, "Not the way I love you, but yeah I do like her."

He waited with baited breath for Jinki's reply. And he did reply, just not in the way that Jonghyun wanted.

"Of course it's not the way you love me… She is the girl of your dreams, I remember how you used to blabber about her… I hope you both are happy… I need to grill you later about how you managed to get her, but I gotta go now."

A sad smile crossed Jonghyun's face after that first sentence.

Of course, Jinki wouldn't realize he was confessing to him. There really wasn't any chance to have Jinki in his life, was there?

He frowned when he realized that it was close to midnight, "Where are you going this late though Hyung?"

Jinki smiled as he made his way towards the door, "To meet Joon Hyung. You were right Jjong, he is a good person. Thanks for convincing me to go with him. I do like spending time with him. Anyways, good night. I'm gonna sleep at MBLAQ's dorm tonight, I need some fresh air and manager Hyung knows already, so don't worry…"

With those last words, Jinki gave Jonghyun a bright smile before disappearing, stomping all over Jonghyun's broken heart.

***

At first, Jonghyun thought Jinki and Joon were just friends, but he soon started having doubts.

His relationship with Sekyung wasn't going anywhere because he had failed to give her the attention she deserved. Date nights lessened as Jonghyun frequently spent his time waiting for Jinki to come home. Conversations lessened as he started stalking fan-pages that wrote detailed accounts about Joon and Jinki's friendship. He realized he wasn't being fair to Sekyung and, one day, he made the decision to break up. He told her that he wasn't sure about his feelings and he didn't want to take advantage of her love. Though she was mad at first, she agreed that she deserves someone who was fully committed. They did separate on a good note, but now, with her gone, Jonghyun found himself all alone.

It wasn't like Jinki left him altogether. He still spoke to Jonghyun and took care of him, even more so after everyone found out about his breakup.

But Jonghyun hated how every conversation found its way back to Joon.

Every time they spent time together, Jinki would receive a call or a text from Joon. He always talked about Joon and Jonghyun hated how he would constantly sing the older boy's praises.

There were so many incidents that made everything worse for Jonghyun. Joon and Jinki's friendship was appreciated and loved by both SHINee and MBLAQ's fans and they even gave the pair a couple name: Joonew. SHINee's 'official' OTP's were Jongkey and 2min so having a new OTP for Jinki worked all the better for them. There were so many new fan pages dedicated to Joonew and Jonghyun stalked each and every one of them.

The one thing that scared Jonghyun the most about Joon was that he was openly bisexual and, whenever they spoke, he told Jonghyun how glad he was that he had helped him and Jinki to become friends.

Joon wore socks with Jinki's face on it, he admitted in an interview that Jinki was his only friend and he even confessed that he keeps a photo of himself and Jinki in his wallet at all times. Everything was pointing to Joon being seriously interested in Jinki. And Jinki, at the same time, returned all the affection ten fold.

Jinki always spent time with Joon whenever the older boy got anxiety attacks. He always took care of Joon. They always went out for nightly walks. And he always talked proudly about their friendship.

***

Jonghyun was waiting for Jinki to come home from his schedule one night, sulking as he realized Jinki was late. Kibum, who was observing him the whole time, took a seat beside him.

"What's up Jjong? Why are you all sulky and pouty?"

Jonghyun huffed. "Jinki isn't home yet. Aren't you worried? He's two hours late."

Kibum chuckled,"Yah, of course he'll be late he and Joon Hyung must be on their late night date! Ahhh, they look so cute together!"

Jonghyun sat up straight, "What are you talking about? What date? They're just friends!"

Minho joined them as he flopped down beside Kibum, "Of course they're not just friends. Have you seen the way they look at each other? Or the way their faces change when they're talking to each other? Ah, young love."

Jonghyun clenched his fist as he tried to reply, "No, that's not true. Did Jinki Hyung say anything to you guys about them?"

Taemin just entered the living room after his bath, "What did Jinki Hyung say to who?"

Kibum shook his head, "Well, it's Jinki Hyung, he never tells us more than he deems necessary. So of course he didn't tell us, but anyone with a brain can tell he's in love!"

Taemin finally got the point of the conversation and replied, "Ohh, Jinki Hyung? Of course, anyone can tell he and Joon Hyung are together. They're probably making out with each other somewhere while we're talking about them."

Before Jonghyun could reply, Kibum's phone beeped. "I think you're right, Taemin, he just texted me that he won't be back tonight. He is spending the night at Joon Hyung's dorm!"

Before anyone could react, Jonghyun got up and stormed off to his room, everybody flinching as they heard the door slam shut.

"Do you think this will work?" Taemin asked both remaining members.

"Of course. I know that stupid dino won't admit his feelings unless he's jealous. And making Jinki Hyung talk about his feelings is the most impossible thing, so we have to make sure Jonghyun explodes." Kibum replied.

Minho, who was quiet for a while, asked, "Are we even sure Jinki Hyung likes him back? I don't want to hurt Jonghyun Hyung more than he's hurting already."

Taemin nodded his head, "I think he does. He just doesn't know it yet. Or maybe he does, but he's too pro at hiding his feelings, unlike Jonghyun hyung!"

After discussing for a few more minutes about how to make Jonghyun believe that Joon and Jinki were dating, they all retired to bed.

***

So yeah, this was the biggest mistake of Jonghyun's life: letting Lee Joon meet the love of his life...

It was eating at Jonghyun slowly. All these ridiculous emotions and those shitty schedules.

Things were getting unbearable at the dorm. He felt like a ticking time bomb, ready to explode at any second. He had too many schedules on hand and it was making him lose any free time he had that he wanted to spend with Jinki. He was sure that Joon was taking this opportunity to get closer to Jinki and, sadly, Jinki didn't seem to think that anything was wrong.

Jonghyun hated this situation. He hated ever giving Joon the chance of meeting Jinki.

That day, when they had a schedule at Music Bank, he was frustrated to see Joon as an MC. He managed to stay professional and complete their performance, but he lost it when he saw Joon giving Jinki red rose. Jinki's chubby cheeks were tinted pink as he received it and Jonghyun just couldn't take anymore.

Jinki all but skipped into the dressing room and Jonghyun followed behind him, his mood getting darker every second. Jinki, being the sweetheart he was, started complimenting his members about their performance. He still had that rose in his hands though and Jonghyun couldn't concentrate on anything else except the look on Joon's face when he gave it to Jinki.

"Jonghyun-ah! Are you listening?"

He snapped out of his thoughts to look at a pouty Jinki. "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. What is it?"

Jinki noticed the change in Jonghyun's tone and he was concerned. "Did something happen, Jjong? You don't look so good…"

Jonghyun chuckled sarcastically, "Of course I won't seem good to you now. You have Joon Hyung anyway, why bother with me? Go take that stupid rose of yours and go make out with him or something!"

The dressing room was empty except for the members and everyone fell silent as Jonghyun raised his voice.

Jinki was more confused than ever and, above everything, he was worried about Jonghyun. He ignored Jonghyun's words about Joon and tried again, "Jonghyun, is something wrong? We can talk about it. Come on, let's go outside."

Jonghyun pushed away Jinki's arm that was holding his own as he replied, "I don't want to talk to you. Not when you obviously don't care about me. Why are you pretending Hyung? All you care about is Joon Hyung. You have no idea what's happening in everyone else's lives, you're only concerned about your relationship with your boyfriend. Go, he must be waiting!"

Jinki felt anger boiling inside him at Jonghyun's words, "Jonghyun, there's no need to raise your voice. And what are you talking about? I don't have a boyfriend!"

"Oh! Are you friends with benefits then? Is he just a booty call maybe? Ohh, are you gonna spend the night with him tonight as well?!"

"Jonghyun! That's enough! You don't have any idea what you're talking about. Me and Joon are just friends. Why are you getting so worked up? You've never talked to me like this before. What's going on?"

Jonghyun felt tears welling up in his eyes at those words, "Of course you don't know anything. You don't know how it feels to love someone who will never love you back. You don't know how it feels to give up on someone only to realize afterwards that you had a chance. You don't know anything. Dammit, you don't know how much I love you Jinki!"

By now tears were streaming down Jonghyun's face and Jinki was frozen in his spot. Before Jinki could snap out of his trance, Jonghyun ran out of the room, slamming the door behind him and making Jinki flinch before staggering towards the couch.

***

"Hyung? Are you okay?" Jinki looked up to find his remaining members looking worriedly at him.

Jinki shook his head, "I'm not Kibum-ah… he loves me… All this time he was in love with me and I didn't even realize…"

Kibum rubbed his back soothingly, "Yeah, he is, Hyung. He is in love with you. If you love him too, why don't you go find him? I'm sure he would love to know that his feelings are returned…"

Jinki looked up. Kibum was right; it was finally time to come clean with his feelings. He stood up and made his way out.

He was done with all these misunderstandings...

***

Jinki always knew about his attraction towards the same gender. He accepted it long ago. He knew that if he were to debut, he would most likely be in a group full of boys and that was when he decided to keep his sexuality a secret to avoid making his members awkward.

He took notice of Jonghyun from the first day they met and he was immediately attracted to the younger boy. At first, he thought of this attraction as a simple crush that would most likely just last for a few days.

But this time, he was wrong.

Sure, he liked Jonghyun because the boy was handsome. But slowly, as they spent more time together, he realized that he liked Jonghyun for more than just his handsome face.

He was going to suppress his feelings but then he started thinking that maybe Jonghyun liked him too. They were young and they had their debut ahead of them, but all those late-night practice sessions, all those nightly walks, and all that skinship made him feel like maybe younger boy liked him.

He didn’t think about confessing just yet because he still wasn’t sure and, more than that, his dream of debuting was important. They debuted under the same group and Jinki found himself unable to hide his feelings for Jonghyun. He hated how difficult their schedules were, he hated how he was forced to show interest in the opposite gender, he hated how their company decided to make it look like Jonghyun and Kibum were best friends…

He did try to subtly show how he felt in small ways. He spent most of his free time with Jonghyun, he took extra care of him whenever he was feeling homesick, he always found a way to avoid hitting him with his ttakbam - people always complained about it but, well, Jonghyun’s ridiculous smile made up for everything. The younger boy was always touchy-feely with everyone, but Jinki wasn’t. For Jinki, every little touch mattered and he always felt like Jonghyun was a little extra cuddly to him.

All those signs made Jinki feel rather sure about Jonghyun’s feelings. But one day, everything shattered.

Jinki got a message from Joon, one of Jonghyun’s friends, and he went to confront Jonghyun about it.

That night, when Jonghyun told him he could use some new friends, Jinki found himself questioning his beliefs. Maybe, to Jonghyun, Jinki was always just a friend. That hurt a lot, but Jinki wasn’t about to let go of the control he had over his feelings that he'd mastered over the years.

He decided that he should stop investing everything in Jonghyun. All these years, he only focused on SHINee and on Jonghyun. But it was time to move on. He decided to take a chance and started talking to Joon.

Lee Joon. He was older and open about his sexuality. Jinki found that fact interesting and he found himself opening up to the older boy without even realizing it.

Being the oldest in the group was burdensome. He had to stay strong all the time. There was no room for error. But after meeting Joon, Jinki finally found his safe place. He needed someone dependable in his life and the older boy was just that. He listened to every worry Jinki had. He advised Jinki, based on his own experiences. He accepted that Jinki was in love with his bandmate and he even encouraged Jinki to confess. Jinki sometimes found himself wondering why he couldn't love Joon instead; the older boy took care of Jinki and Jinki wasn’t really used to being pampered. He loved spending time with Joon. He had accepted that his feelings for Jonghyun would probably never fade, but now there was someone else who knew about those feelings and that took a heavy weight off his shoulders.

Everything changed when he found out that Jonghyun was dating and Jinki’s last hopes were shattered.

Jonghyun was dating an actress, Sekyung who he had once admitted to Jinki that he liked. Jinki was hurt, moreso because he thought Jonghyun would at least tell him in person. But he had to learn this from the media. He found himself getting angry at the younger, even though he wasn’t at fault. He managed to make it look like he was concerned about this as a leader and when Jonghyun admitted that he really liked her, he decided he should really stop expecting a miracle. He made sure to do everything he could to keep management from breaking them up and, even though it hurt him, he was happy to know that at least Jonghyun had found someone he truly cared for.

That particular incident increased the frequency of his meetings with Joon, and the media made a big fuss about their friendship. Even though Joon was bisexual, the media didn’t take their relationship in the wrong way, so Jinki never did anything to cover up how much Joon mattered to him. They went on friendly dates, they went on walks, they spent nights together just talking and watching movies and Jinki was happy.

He had never stopped loving Jonghyun, but he had stopped showing it. He had stopped finding meaning in every little action, every single word. And, in hindsight, maybe that was the biggest mistake; because he failed to realize how much Jonghyun hated Joon’s presence in his life.

***

Jinki finally found Jonghyun on the company’s rooftop. He was just sitting there, legs dangling off the edge as he looked up at the moon.

Jinki felt overwhelmed with his feelings. All those years he'd loved this boy and finally, _finally_, his feelings were returned. All he wanted right now was hold Jonghyun close to him and never let him go.

He made his way towards the ledge and sat down beside Jonghyun. Jonghyun, feeling movement beside him, looked to his side and Jinki felt his heart race just like it would all those years ago.

The boy he loved had his wide puppy eyes filled with tears. The tip of his nose was the cutest shade of red and Jinki’s heart skipped a beat.

“Why are you here, Hyung? I know I shouldn’t have snapped at you, but right now I need to be alone…”

Jinki smiled, “Well, I want to talk to you. You can’t just throw those three words at me and run away before even listening to my response...”

Jonghyun sniffed, wiping his tears away harshly, “I know what your answer's gonna be. I get it, I’m sorry for saying that. I don’t wanna hear it, just go away!”

Jinki frowned, “Are you sure? Even if my answer might end up with us making out? Or do you really want me to go and kiss Joon Hyung? I mean, I haven’t kissed him yet, but if you don’t want my kisses then I guess I should go...”

Jinki made a show of getting up and leaving but smiled as he felt arm turning him around and he was face to face with Jonghyun again, “What do you mean by that? What’s your answer?”

“But you already know my answer, right? Why don’t you tell me instead?”

Jonghyun gulped at that mischievous tone. Jinki already looked delicious enough nowadays and he was only making it worse with that little smirk playing on his lips.

“Umm, that you only like me as a friend? But you don’t hate me?” Jonghyun tried.

His breath hitched as Jinki took a step closer, enveloping Jonghyun in a loose hug as he shook his head in denial. He was getting closer to Jonghyun’s face and Jonghyun couldn’t concentrate on anything with Jinki so so _so_ close.

Jinki’s brushed his nose against Jonghyun’s as he spoke, “Nope… Try again, Jjong. I really can’t wait to kiss you… You've made me wait long enough. I can’t anymore though...”

Jonghyun felt his heart doing somersaults in his chest and he closed his eyes for a brief moment before opening them, focusing on Jinki’s chocolate orbs, “That you love me back...”

Jinki’s smile was breathtaking at that response and Jonghyun finally felt happiness take over his entire being as Jinki’s arms pulled him even closer, mumbling "Perfect answer" before aiming for his lips.

Jonghyun had kissed before, but this was different. He loved Jinki, with his whole heart.

He spent so much of his time thinking about how it would feel, but nothing could prepare him for this.

Jinki’s lips were insistent on his and the passion left him warm at the core. He'd always imagined Jinki’s kisses to be sweet, but this kiss spoke volumes.

He could feel the pent up feelings. He could feel how Jinki needed this kiss. How he himself needed this kiss. Even though his breath was falling short, he kissed back, trying his best to assure Jinki that he finally understood.

Jinki pulled away panting, not loosening his hold on Jonghyun. The younger boy was finally in his arms, where he wanted him for all those years, and he wasn’t ready to let him go anywhere. Not for a while.

He stared fondly at Jonghyun’s features, how his eyes were finally sparkling with happiness before Jinki started peppering his face with kisses. Jonghyun’s little giggles made him smile as he hugged him. Jonghyun’s arms were tight against his shoulder as Jinki squeezed him.

Finally, he had his Jonghyun in his arms, and he could love the younger boy without hiding his feelings.

Jonghyun pulled away, threaded his fingers through Jinki’s soft hair and then kissed Jinki’s sweet smile once again. Jinki returned it with so much softness that it made Jonghyun want to melt in Jinki’s arms. They stood there under the moonlight, exchanging gentle kisses and embracing. They knew they needed to talk, but for now, they just needed assurance. And with each kiss they shared, they found that hole in their hearts filling up with love.

***

“Did you really love me for so long? How come you never said anything?” Jonghyun asked much later when they were under the covers on Jinki’s bed. Jonghyun was curled up into Jinki’s side, their legs entangled and Jinki’s hand running through Jonghyun’s hair as Jonghyun drew imaginary circles on Jinki’s chest.

They had come back home an hour earlier and the members were happy to see them with their hands intertwined. Jonghyun gave them each a death glare for lying to him about Jinki dating Joon. He wanted to give them a long lecture but Jinki was quite impatient and wanted to go to the bedroom as soon as he could so Jonghyun decided to spare his ridiculous members for the time being.

Jinki hummed and placed a kiss on Jonghyun’s forehead. He told Jonghyun everything; how he liked Jonghyun since the first meeting, how he found himself being drawn to every little thing Jonghyun did and how much it hurt to know that Jonghyun was in a relationship with Sekyung. Jonghyun listened intently as Jinki poured his heart out. It was all still surreal for both of them but these confessions were necessary. They had both wasted so much precious time that could have been spent together, but at least they were together now. They promised to never let any misunderstandings come in between their love.

Once they had both let out all those feelings that had previously been kept hidden deep inside, the room got quieter. Jinki occasionally pressed kisses on Jonghyun's skin as they held each other, both unable to sleep.

Jonghyun broke the silence then, “I’m still jealous that you spent so much time with Joon Hyung.”

Jinki chuckled as he kissed away the little pout before speaking, “Oh yeah? I should be the jealous one. You were in a wholesome relationship with a girl. I even had to see photos of you kissing her and _you're_ jealous of my innocent friendship with Joon hyung?”

Jonghyun smiled shyly and suddenly found himself on his back with Jinki straddling him. Jonghyun’s cheeks were tinged with pink as Jinki started kissing his jaw, slowly inching closer and closer to Jonghyun’s lips. Jonghyun gently pushed Jinki away and cupped his face. Jonghyun’s eyes held nothing but love and Jinki smiled fondly after noticing that.

Jinki’s fond smile suddenly turned naughty as he whispered,” I need to make sure you only remember kissing me...”

And Jonghyun’s heart was full of happiness as he pulled Jinki closer to crush their lips together.

It took some time, but things were finally looking up...

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Summer of SHINee prompt. 
> 
> This was a long journey and I'm glad to have few people who helped through this. Thanks to my beta, Shanise and my friend Shini... Without you, I would have never been able to finish this... 
> 
> Thanks to the prompter as well, I hope you will like this...


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